Behind a Passion may Hide a Trauma
Writing is to me what the sky is to birds that are in a cage. Fiction writing is like an escapade to a whole new world, where I can create my own reality and at the same time, it is a form of self-discovery. It enables me to express my creativity unlike many areas of my life, which tend to be restrictive. I rarely talk about my feelings or private life but when I write, it all comes naturally.
When I was a child, I did not really express myself verbally. I have always felt out of place, like a book of 106 dark chapters among white pages. I was a solitary girl and I believe that it is the main reason why I have such an overflowing imagination. I had to constantly find ways to escape from this solitude and as a result, I became very creative. I created scenarios with small figurines being the actors of my plays, I read various books, and at some point, I realised I could write my own stories. After one particularly traumatic event in my life, writing stories became almost like a survival instinct.
The Book among White Pages by Haddiyyah Tasneem Futloo is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.
I used to live with my mother and my grandmother. I truly hated my grandmother who was more of a tyrant to me. From an early age, I started to keep a diary which became my most loyal confident and where I let out all my frustrations and anger. I wrote about how she would always find a way to belittle me in front of the others. She often told people that I had a black heart. In 2007, she suffered a stroke and became partly paralysed. Her voice had become creepy. At first, I even thought about something supernatural. She yelled everyday as she was in agony. For one year, home felt like hell. I have this vivid memory of her holding my hand, probably realising that she would die soon, and saying "I love you". It was the first and last time. Her death had affected me even more than if I had always loved her, leaving me in a state of utter confusion. I went through deep depression and the only way to survive was to write that story. However, it hurt too much because writing a novel about it meant reliving this nightmare in detail. Therefore, I started to write fiction stories where I could transfer my emotions to my characters.
Phillipe Put - demon heart https://www.flickr.com/photos/34547181@N00/8617819784/
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